It's Anorexia, My Love
by Piano Mirukoto
Summary: ::Magnus is anorexic, with bulimic tendancies. He's hidden it fine for the most part...until now. ::Alec is the son of the Support Group's leader. And when Magnus shows up for unwanted help that one fateful day, their lives will be forever be changed. But Magnus's fight is far from over. ALL REAL LIFE. Is better than the summary. R&R!
1. Shit He's Screwed

_**Hey...missed me? Yeah. I've been going through a rough spot...this story seemed fitting. My lovelies, please review. They mean so much to me. Thank you...Love, Piano. **_

_**(Disclaimer: I do not own TMI, nor Cassandra Clare's amazing characters) Obviously. Ahem. **_

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Magnus stood at the bathroom door, hating himself. Hating what he was about to do, but knowing that if he didn't do it then he would have to go the whole next day fasting. And he didn't want that, because that would set his mother over the edge. Magnus hated throwing up. He hated how it felt, how it burned his throat and his nose. But his mom had made him eat dinner, had watched him as he choked down seven bites of a salad and a piece of bread.

And now he was poisoned. The calories were going to kill him, he knew it. They were going to make him fat. And he was so close to his goal, only 3 pounds to go. And then he would be at 100, and that would mean that he was almost good. Almost.

Magnus guzzled down some Coke and bent over the toilet, shoving his thumb down his throat.

"Magnus?"

Magnus's eyes widened. He finished quickly and stood up, wiping his mouth with a towel. He looked at his mom's feet, not at her eyes. He could hear the pain in her voice. His head was reeling from standing so quickly, and the fatigue gripped at his stomach.

"Magnus, what are you doing?"

He raised his head finally, and gasped. His vision clouded. Monsters gripped at his stomach, at his head, pulling him under. He hit the floor before he was able to answer her question.


	2. Very, Very Screwed

_**Sorry it is so short...I've been going through a lot lately and haven't had much time to write. I'm sorry. ._. Please, I love that so many people are following/favoriting my story, but please REVIEW. I crave reviews. lul.**_

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The lights blared above him, and Magnus groaned. He was sore all over, and his neck was stiff. He stretched, and then froze.

He was in the hospital. He was covered by a thin sheet, and he was freezing. There was an IV in his arm and he resisted pulling it off. And then...his hand flew to his face...a tube was down his nose, and he knew what it was immediately. Tears formed in his eyes, and he threw the sheets from him. He could see what it had done; he could see the rolls and rolls of fat on his stomach from being force-fed. His throat tightened. All his work...

"Mr. Bane, you're awake." a tall man walked into his room, carrying a clipboard. He wore one of those stupid white coats, meaning that he must be the doctor.

"Take this off." Magnus breathed. "Take it off!"

"Mr. Bane, I am Dr. Castalan. I—"

"Take it off! Please!" Magnus's voice was rising in desperation.

"Do you know much about anorexia, Magnus Bane?" the doctor sighed, standing next to Magnus's bed. "Or bulimia?"

Magnus did. A girl at school last year had had anorexia. The school had done all this anti-bullying shit while she was at a mental hospital. Because, of course, she had tried to kill herself too. Magnus knew how she had felt. But...he couldn't be anorexic, could he? His brow furrowed. He could be. And the bulimia...whatever. Magnus didn't care. He deserved to suffer. He knew he was fat and ugly, and that no one would ever want him unless he did something about it.

Magnus said nothing.

"Magnus, you are 6 ft 5 inches, and you weighed 102 pounds last night."

One pound less than he had thought. Magnus's lips were tugged upward briefly.

"Was becoming this underweight intentional? We ran some tests, and Mr. Bane, if you keep this up, your body won't be able to keep going. Magnus, if you won't try to get better, you will die."

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_**R&R! Also...listen to the song Illuminated by Hurts. It's my new favorite, ahmigosh!**_


	3. But Alec's Sexy

_**I love all the reviews! ***huggles*** That's the only reason why I updated so quickly...so, review. Guilt me into writing more xD**_

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Magnus slowly walked into the cold room, all eyes on him. He shook his colorful bangs from his eyes, and some glitter fell to the floor. Magnus didn't want to be here. He stood at the doorway awkwardly, tugging at his bright pink jacket, pulling it tighter. He should have probably dressed less gay today.

A group of teenagers sat in a somewhat-circle in the center of the room. Magnus scanned the faces. Four boys and eleven girls. Some were emaciated, and some were the opposite. The other boys were neither—they looked completely normal. One shifted, and Magnus caught a glimpse of bandages under one's jacket sleeves. _Cutters, _he realized.

"You must be Mister Bane, right?" a tall woman stood in the center of the circle. She walked to greet him, but he recoiled as if she'd slapped him. The woman didn't look fazed, but didn't come any closer. She nodded at Magnus, her blonde hair pulled back into a tight ponytail, her piercing blue eyes studying Magnus. She wore tan jeans and a bright green shirt, the same shade of green that was mixed in with his blue, black, pink, and orange hair. He liked the color.

"Yes, ma'am." Magnus hissed. Just because he liked her taste in greens didn't mean he was any more willing to be here, any more willing to _get help_. He was fine; he didn't need group therapy or any of this shit.

"Everyone, this is Magnus. I'd like you to all introduce yourselves." the woman turned from Magnus to address the group, and then returned to look at him. "You can call me Mary. We're all friends here, no need for such formalities." she smiled.

Magnus followed her over to the circle, and sat at the far end of the circle. He leaned against the wall, huffing.

"Alec, why don't you start by introducing yourself?"

Magnus looked up...and stared. He hadn't noticed Alec earlier. That made five other boys. But Alec looked completely normal, and healthy. Alec sighed, and put his phone into his back pocket. When he moved, Magnus could see the faint outline of a six-pack under his shirt. He was beautiful, everything that Magnus wanted to be. Everything that Magnus _wanted,_ in general. Alec looked up. He had dark brown, almost black hair, and beautiful blue eyes, just like Mary's. And then Alec understood—he was just here because his mom ran the Group. He was sure of it.

"Sure. Hey," Alec waved at Magnus, biting his lower lip. "I'm Alec Lightwood."

Magnus nodded at him. One by one the other teens introduced themselves. Some of them offered words of encouragement. Others barely choked out their names. And at last it was Magnus's turn to introduce himself.

"I'm Magnus Bane." he shrugged, unsure of what else to say. Everyone around the circle muttered 'Hello, Magnus.'

"Magnus, can you tell us something about yourself?" Mary smiled encouragingly. Alec was watching Magnus intently, one of his eyebrows quirked up a bit, and a smile playing at his lips. He was _gorgeous_.

"Uhm...what do you want me to say?"

"Anything. Why are you here today? You don't have to answer anything that you don't want to, of course. There is no pressure to speak if you don't want to."

"I don't care about saying it. I'm here because I was diagnosed with anorexia. Which is bullcrap."

Mary nodded at him. "Well, we'll be here for you until you are okay. Won't we, everyone?"

"We'll be here," everyone whispered, looking at their hands. Alec's eyes never wavered from Magnus's. He didn't say what everyone else had. _Welcome to hell_, he mouthed instead.

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**R&R !**


	4. Nothing You Do Will Stop Him

_**I love all the reviews! *huggles***_

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"So, how was it?" Magnus's mom asked. She stood at the stove, a pot of soup on the heater, a wooden spoon in her hand. Her eyes were fixed on her son intently. Magnus shrugged, looking down at his Rainbow Dash pajama pants.

"It was _great,_" he said sarcastically, walking out of the kitchen. He walked back in carrying a Tupperware bin full to the brim with nail polish and glitter. Plopping himself down at the kitchen table, Magnus quickly stripped his nails of their sparkly orange polish. "We had a fuckin' _blast_, mom. You know, because nothing's more fun than talking about an eating disorder you _don't have_."

Magnus's mom pursed her lips, and said nothing. Magnus knew what he had said hurt her, yet he felt no guilt in saying it.

"Are the other kids nice?"

"Yeah, nothing better than socializing with some other fucked up kids. We have _so much_ in common." Magnus stared at his nails. They were tinted orange, and he scrubbed them harder with the nail polish remover.

"Magnus. Stop it, okay. You don't need to act like this."

"And you didn't have to force me to go there, Mom. Don't play the guilt game." The tint hadn't come off, and Magnus sighed. They'd be painted over anyway. He sifted through the bin for his black. "There was a cute boy there."

"Does he have..?"

"Is he messed up? No. He's there because his mom runs the thing."

"Did you talk to him?"

"Ha! No, I never was really presented with the opportunity to mingle." he found the color, and started to paint. He was great at it, no smears or smudges or black fingers. "What color; green or pink or yellow or teal or orange or violet?"

"All of them," his mom suggested. Magnus shrugged, and polka-dotted his nails in an array of bright colors, sealing it all with a layer of glittery varnish. He admired his work. "Dinner's ready."

"Okay."

"It's healthy—vegetable and chicken soup. Less than 300 calories, and almost no fat."

Magnus nodded, choking inwardly. His mom watched him as he ate, emptying the bowl quickly. "God, that's good soup. Is it a new recipe?" he smiled, taking his bowl to the dish washer.

"Yeah, just...trying out some different things."

"Well, it was great. Hey, I'm going to go give the Chairman a bath, okay? He's starting to smell."

"Don't let him bite you."

"The Chairman will do what the Chairman wants to do, but I won't, like, _ask_ him to bite me."

Magnus jogged up the stairs and grabbed his cat, and then dashed into his bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind him. He turned on the sink, letting the water splosh noisily around. He took a Coke from under the sink and guzzled a few swallows. His cat, Chairman Meow, watched him. He hissed. Magnus leaned over the toilet and shoved his index finger down his throat.

After, Magnus gave his cat a bath, and continued on like nothing had happened.

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_**Sorry if this chapter was kind of scattered. **_

_**Also, I DID introduce Mary. Please reread that chapter if you need to. I don't remember who wrote that review.**_


	5. Beautiful Boy's Note

"You were wrong." Magnus stared at Alec, a half-smile tugging at his lips. He had gotten to the group early, and he and Alec were alone, sitting criss-crossed on the floor. Alec's eyebrow quirked, and he regarded Magnus with a perplexed expression.

"About what?"

"Hell. I am already in hell." Today, Magnus was wearing a black Mayday Parade T shirt, and neon green skinny jeans. He liked neon green.

"'I believe I am in Hell, therefore I am.'"

"What the fuck is that?"

"Arthur Rimbaud. His work and his story interest me. Not a usual man. Then again, what is?" Alec was soft spoken, but each word held such intensity that you could not help but be pulled in by them.

"Life is hell. I am in hell, and I was long before I ever acknowledged that fact."

"Why are you in hell? What happened?" Alec's blue eyes studied Magnus's green ones.

"My mom thinks I am anorexic."

"What do your doctors think?"

"They put the friggin' idea in her head. Three weeks ago, when I was admitted, I weighed 102 pounds. They made me get up to 110 pounds before I could leave. So, that was hell. I'm too fat, and they pushed me 10 pounds away from my goal. And now my mom watches me like a hawk. She makes me eat."

"You don't, do you?" Alec whispered quietly. "How much do you weigh now?"

"105 pounds. It's too much. I can't—" Magnus sighed, deflated. "I can't stand being so fat."

"Oh." Alec's brow furrowed, and he fumbled with his hands. His nails were bitten down, and Magnus compared them to his own sparkly ones. Alec's skin was an olive colored, and they looked strong. Magnus wondered what it would feel like for those hands to caress him; he wondered what it would feel like to kiss Alec. He could tell that the beautiful boy was gay. But very, very in the closet. "Magnus, I want to help you. If you don't eat, you will die."

"Life is hell; nothing can be worse than this. I'd welcome death with open arms."

"No, Magnus. I tried once. My heart almost stopped forever...they had to shock me back to life. It's terrifying, dying is. You don't want to go there." His tone was final; he didn't want any pity.

"Alec? I like you." Magnus took a risk. He lay down on the carpeted floor, staring at the ceiling. "I wish you'd tell your mom that you are gay. Come out of the closet. It's terrifying too, but it can't be as much so as death."

Alec inhaled sharply, and stood up beside Magnus. A piece of paper fluttered to the ground, and Alec walked out of the room. He wasn't back when group started, and Magnus spend the whole session staring at the note in his hands.

He had Alec's number.

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_**If anyone is looking for a sign to not commit suicide tonight, **__**this is one.**___


	6. My Gaydar's Better Than Yours

**_Sorry it's short...it was a necessary chapter to progress the story. REVIEW to guilt me into writing the deep stuff! ~Piano_**

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**hey. **

Magnus sent the text, and paced around his room. His stomach rumbled angrily, and he sighed, plopping himself down on his bed.

**Who is this? **

Magnus jumped as his phone buzzed—he hadn't expected such a quick response.

**magnus bane. **

**How did you know? **

**my name? **

**That I was...uhm. **

**gay? **

**Yeah. **

**i have a gaydar. be jealous ;) **

**WTF? **

**it isn't that hard to figure out. **

**Oh. **

**sorry. **

Magnus smiled to himself and waited. No reply came, and his heart sank. He hoped that he hadn't offended the beautiful boy. Magnus waited a few more minutes before stuffing his phone under his pillow and leaving to take a shower.

The water splashed down, hot and hard on his back. He could count his ribs. They weren't prominent enough. Not any more. His hip bones stuck out inches more than his stomach. His legs and arms were sticks. Magnus pinched his stomach's skin. _Fatfatfatfatfat._ He cried, letting the water wash away his tears, and then finished his shower and shimmied into his Cookie Monster pjs like nothing had happened.

**Why are you starving yourself? **

The beautiful boy was still here. Magnus's heart fluttered inside his chest, and he bit his lip.

**i'm hardly starved, hun **

**Magnus...can you really not see it? **

**no. i'm so fat. **

Tears welled in Magnus's eyes as he typed the word "fat," and spilled over. He was thankful that he didn't have any makeup on, or it would have run.

**Magnus...are you bulimic? **

**not technically. i'm not like diagnosed or anything **

**But are you? **

**yeah. hey, alec? can we not talk about it over the phone please. we can like get coffee or something? **

**Sure, I'm sorry. Yeah, how's tomorrow? **

**where? **

**Starbucks? The one by the park? **

**okay, what time? **

**11? **

**sure **

**Great **

**see you **

**(; **


	7. In The Distance

Alec had ordered an iced coffee frappuccino, and he licked the whipped cream off the top and watched as Magnus stirred Sweet & Low into his black coffee.

"So," Alec began, setting down his cup. He cleared his throat, looked around the cafe, and out the window before his eyes met Magnus's again. "Talk to me."

"About what?" Magnus sighed irritably. He was nervous—he didn't want to scare away the beautiful boy. He stirred his coffee again, trying to hide the shake in his hands. He hadn't eaten dinner last night, or breakfast this morning.

"About...Magnus, you're shaking."

"Shit," Magnus growled; he had spilled some coffee when he tried to take a sip. He quickly put the mug of steaming coffee down, and wiped his hands on his black skinny jeans.

"Did you eat..._anything_...this morning?" Alec's brow furrowed in concern.

"Does this coffee count?" Magnus offered a weak smile.

"Magnus...no. It doesn't. You need to eat. Your body will shut down. You're already so weak..."

"I'm not." Magnus shook his head. He didn't want to talk about this.

"Stand up," Alec commanded, sliding out of his chair and helping up Magnus. "See? You can hardly stand." Alec let go of him, and Magnus stumbled and tried to stay up. He was shaking. Alec sighed and helped Magnus back into his seat, sliding back into his own.

"Alec, I am fine."

"No, Magnus. You are not."

Magnus growled. "What about you, huh? I'm not the one who tried to kill myself!"

The room suddenly got really quiet, and Magnus cleared his throat anxiously. The chatter amongst the rest of the room's population gradually returned, and Magnus relaxed. "Sorry," he sighed.

"I don't care. It's not exactly a secret. Besides, I'm over that."

"You still did it, though. You still tried to kill yourself."

"We aren't here to talk about me. What you are doing is killing yourself, too, Magnus."

"I'm not suicidal, though."

"Nor am I."

Magnus sighed, and rested his head in his hands. His vision blurred, and his head was pounding. He…he had to stay up. He could not pass out. That would land him back in the hospital. Magnus stood abruptly, his head spinning. "I need to lie down."

"Are you going to faint? Do I need to take you to the hospital?" Alec quickly jumped up, and hovered by Magnus anxiously.

"No! No…I just need to lie down. Help me to the park? It's just next to this Starb—"

"I know where it is. Okay, come on." Alec helped Magnus out of the café, and across the street to the park. The sun was shining and Alec squinted against its bright rays and hurriedly walked Magnus to the grass. Magnus collapsed on to the ground, panting, his chest rising and falling rapidly, his shirt riding up his back and exposing his protruding ribs. Alec's heart sunk. Magnus was way worse than he had thought.

"Magnus. I need you to answer something for me. Okay?" Alec sighed.

"Okay."

"How tall are you?"

"About six foot?"

"How much do you weigh?"

Magnus didn't answer.

"Magnus, how much do you weigh?"

"Too much."

"Are you still loosing weight?"

Magnus hesitated: "Yes."

"Magnus, I am afraid that you are going to pass out…or have a heart attack. I'm going to call an ambulance. Okay?"

Tears stung Magnus's eyes, but he was powerless to do anything.

"Okay?"

Magnus turned his head away. Sirens soon screamed in the distance.

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**I've been in and out of the hospital a lot lately. I was medically diagnosed with Anorexia recently, and...well, a lot has happened. :c**

**So, I'm sorry, but I haven't had much time to write lately. I still love you guys, though. xoxo. R&R...please? **


	8. I Need To Live

_It was September. The cruel wind howled and whipped at Alec as he scurried home from the drug store. He had done all of his research, had written all of his letters, and he was done. September eleventh. This day was already the death anniversary of thousands—what was one more name to the list?_

_Nothing._

_But that was okay. Alec was used to being nothing._

_The front door was unlocked, and Alec let himself in. Church, his grey-blue Persian, ran directly over to Alec, and Alec stumbled to avoid stepping on his cat. He had to hurry; Isabelle would be home soon. He didn't need anyone to talk him out of this. He was too far in to back out now…wasn't he?_

_No._

_Yes._

Yesyesyesyes, you fag, you stupid little fuck, yes. You deserve to die.

_Tears streaming down his cheeks, Alec locked himself in his room, and opened up the bottles of pills that he had purchased. He downed pill after pill after pill, far more than he had needed to take. But he wanted to be sure…_

_No. You can't do this._

_"Oh my God!" Alec screamed, in hysterics. He was going to die. He couldn't do this—he didn't want to go!_

_"Hello, this is 911, how can we help you?"_

_"I need an ambulance! I'll die! I—I—"_

_"Sir, please calm down."_

_"You need to hurry! I took the pills! But I can't—suicide is such an ugly way to go. Please come get me." Alec quickly gave his address, and ran downstairs. His last letters were on the kitchen counter, and he grabbed them, crumpled them, and tossed them in the raging fire. The fire licked at the sheets, turning them to ash in seconds. Still crying, Alec sat down, and raked his hands through his hair. He closed his eyes, waiting anxiously, straining to hear the wail of the sirens that would save his life._

_Did he really want this? There was a gun upstairs…he could run away…_

_No._

I need to live.


	9. Billy's Leaving

Magnus didn't speak to Alec on the drive to the ER. He didn't speak to his mom, who frantically rushed over to him the second that the ambulance pulled up outside the hospital. He didn't say a word to the nurse as she drew his labs or as she attached an IV drip to his arm. He didn't offer any explanation to anyone.

He didn't eat the yogurt and strawberries that was brought up to his room for him.

He refused to drink the supplement that they provided in its place. 360 calories would kill him.

"Hun, if you don't eat something, I'm going to have to put a tube down your nose," his nurse, Caterina, sighed. She looked to be in her late twenties, her hair dyed a stark white and her eyes a piercing blue. Magnus said nothing, and buried his head in his pillow. His arm was throbbing and his head felt like it was splitting open. His stomach rumbled angrily, and Magnus bit his lip to keep from crying. "Mister Bane, I really don't want to force-feed you. If you comply and eat, you'll be able to get out of the hospital that much quicker. I know that you don't want to be here. You need to do this."

Magnus said nothing, but took a shaky sip of the supplement. His lips left bright gold prints on the rim of the cup, and Magnus closed his eyes to keep from crying. He wanted to go home so badly. Home to his makeup and his nail polish and his cat; home to text Alec, who hadn't been allowed to stay with Magnus; home to some sort of normalcy. Home. He _needed_ to go home. So Magnus downed the rest of the drink. It was sickly sweet, and he grimaced. This was going to make him so fat.

"Good boy; see? That wasn't so har—"

"_Don't fucking call me that!_" Magnus screeched, breaking his temporary vow of silence. Caterina looked startled. Magnus drew a shaky breath. "Can you just leave, now that I ate that?"

"I'm sorry, hun, but I have to stay in here for 45 minutes after meals." Caterina smiled apologetically at him.

"Fuck you." Magnus didn't care that he was being mean. He knew that Caterina was just doing her job, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything right now. He fumbled with his iPhone, and reached into his pockets for his headphones. _My nails need to be painted again_, Magnus absentmindedly noticed as he put the earbuds in his ear. He had four new texts from Alec, and one from his mom.

**Do you want your Cookie Monster or MLP pajamas**? his mom had texted him. She had gone home to get some necessities for the hospital stay.

**mlp. rainbowdash is badass. and i need my toothbrush and toothpaste and my makeup. all of it pls. brush, adam lambert shirt, blue sweatshirt, slippers, phone charger, etc. just bring whatever. pls feed my cat too pls. **Magnus responded.

**Are you okay? **Magnus read Alec's texts.

**Magnus, I'm sorry. **

**When are you getting out? **

**Magnus? **

Magnus sighed. He didn't really want to respond, but he did: **no. i'm not okay. idk when i'm getting out. **

Forty more minutes of observation. Magnus scrolled through his music, and chose James Blunt. He was in the mood for depressing music.

_Billy's leaving today, don't know where he's going  
Holds his head in disgrace, he can't escape the truth  
He knows the price that he's paid.  
He admits that it's too late to admit that he's afraid.  
Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate.  
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.  
Old doors are closed but he's always open,  
To relive time in his mind.  
Oh Billy. _

Fuck life.

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**Disclaimer: I do not own the song, or the lyrics (James Blunt, "Billy"). I do not own My Little Pony, or Cookie Monster. I do not own the characters of TMI. **

**Sorry if this chapter was kind of disorganized. **

**Please R&R, I'll love you forever. **

**If you are looking for a sign not to commit suicide tonight, ****_this is it._**


	10. Today

"Good morning, Magnus." The doctor smiled kindly at Magnus. He returned the notion, hoping that the doctor didn't see through his thinly-masked pain. It was a smile, though, right?

"Good morning," Magnus cleared his throat.

"I can see that you're ready to face the day, yeah?"

Magnus looked down at himself: he was wearing a bright pink t-shirt, with glittery rainbow NOH8 text running across his chest. The back of his shirt, although not visible from his position, read "Love is Love" and "I Support EQUALITY. Have A Problem With That? Fuck Off!" It was probably best that he was propped up against the bed—he didn't think that the hospital staff would agree that his shirt was appropriate if they saw the other side.

Magnus's right wrist was full of his collection of bangles and other multicolored bracelets that he had acquired over the years. His left arm was still sore from the IV—he hated those things. This morning, Magnus had tried his makeup a new way. His eyelids were rainbow, fading into blue at the top. He had on purple mascara and gold eyeliner. He hadn't been convinced it would turn out okay. However, it did.

Magnus wasn't quite sure what the doctor meant about facing the day; it wasn't like he was going to be leaving this room. However, from previous experience, he knew that there would most likely be a lot of doctors in and out of his room all day. Although he was solely interested in the blue-eyed boy, Magnus still wanted to look like his presentable sexy self.

Sexy fat self, maybe, but sexy nonetheless.

"But of course." A small but real smile crept across Magnus's lips as lyrics flooded his head.

I don't wanna face the day, the day, today

"Did you sleep well?" the doctor shook back her blonde cropped hair and stepped closer to Magnus's bed, peering at his heart monitor.

_I don't wanna face the day, the day, today_

"No."

_Long nights leave me stranded_

_Black visions, danger signs_

_No love, no protection_

_Feels like I'm on production line_

"No?"

_Daggers of dawn, cold-hearted day_

_Why does it have to be morning?_

_Cover my head, stayin' in bed_

_Too late, the luckless warning_

"No."

_I don't wanna face the day, the day, today_

_I don't wanna face the day, the day, today_

"Could you explain to me?"

_Outside, screaming city_

_Red lights and hungry eyes_

_Sucks like a space invader_

_The vacuum of its lies_

_Stealing my strength_

_Stealing my time_

"I couldn't sleep." Magnus shrugged.

_It's raining in a world of traders_

_I don't wanna face the day_

_I don't wanna face the day_

The doctor pursed her lip, and hesitated before sighing. "Okay. Have you been evaluated by our psychiatrist yet? You are scheduled to today…have you already been?"

_Let me keep on sleeping_

_Forget that I'm alone_

_One faceless day of living_

_24 hours too long_

"Not yet, no."

"Oh-kay," she wrote something down on her clip board. "Are you experiencing any pain anywhere?"

_I don't wanna face the day_

_I don't wanna face the day_

_I don't wanna face the day, the day, today_

_I don't wanna face the day, the day, today_

"No." _My heart hurts._

"How are you feeling?"

_Give the night, it's more forgiving_

_Hold back the light from my eyes_

_Please stay invisible_

_Darkness can't see the tears I cry_

"Magnus?"

_I know it's coming_

_Loaded with nothing_

_Trapped in a tunnel of time_

_I don't wanna face the day _

"Yes?"

"How are you feeling?"

"How do you think I am feeling, dear?"

"Beg your pardon?"

"Think about it…I'm in the hospital, confined to a bed, with tubes and needles—God I hate needles—stuck all over me, I'm being forced to eat three meals and three snacks a day, and if I don't then I'll get a tube down my nose. You crazy lot got me up at two, I mean, what the hell is up with that?! And then at six some moron doctor comes in here and flicks on these, very bright may I add, lights, and asks if I have a headache. Fuck yes I had a headache; it was six! Who in their fucking right minds gets up at six?! I mean, is everyone here fucking crazy?!" he paused. "I just want to go home."

"The psychiatrist should be in to see you relatively soon." She turned around stiffly and left Magnus's room.

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**Song: Face The Day by Angels**


	11. Pendant Heart

**I've been sick. At the drs a lot. I'm sorry. **

**Song for the day: "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons**

* * *

Isabelle huffed, and paced around her room. "Where is he?" she growled, fussing with her red pendant necklace. She looked beautiful, as Isabelle always did, with a rainbow sequin dress and strappy silver sandals, her long black hair swirled up and pinned to the top of her head. Small silky curls fell down onto her back, and they flounced every time she moved.

"Izzy, calm down," Alec sighed. He had spent the morning worrying about Magnus, and Isabelle had finally proclaimed her annoyance at his demeanor and dragged him along on a shopping spree (she was going on a date with her dorky boyfriend later, and she "needed" a new dress.) Although he appreciated his sister's efforts, with the glitter and rainbows everywhere, he wound up only missing Magnus more. "Give the guy a break. He isn't _really_ that late."

"It's six thirty-four!"

"Your date is at six thirty."

"And it's six thirty-_four_!"

Alec rubbed his temples on impulse. Isabelle snatched his hand away, and pushed up his sleeves. Alec grabbed his hand back, but Isabelle held them tight.

"Oh my god, Alec…" she whispered, her voice serious. "Alec, not again. You can't…you can't be doing this again. Are you going…you aren't…"

"No, no, Izzy, it's not like that. I won't—"

"Do you have any idea what that did to me? Getting the call from the hospital? Thinking you were dead? Thinking that I had lost not only Max, but you as well?" Isabelle's voice was rising.

"Izzy, I'm not going to kill myself."

"You have to tell mom you're cutting again."

"No." Alec's voice hardened. "No, Isabelle, no."

"I won't tell her, but I want you to."

Alec said nothing. The doorbell rang, and Isabelle gave Alec one last dubious glance, before going to let her boyfriend in. Alec knew that Isabelle would hunt him down that night, and his heart hurt. He didn't want to cause her any more pain; she was still mourning Max. Alec heard Simon's voice in the hall, and sighed. He wanted a boyfriend, too. He wanted Magnus.

Back in his room, Alec studied his arm. The cuts weren't that deep. They were ugly, and there were a lot of them, but they wouldn't scar.

Alec's phone buzzed, and his heart jumped.

**so…bad news. i may have caused permanent damage to my heart. and i prob won't b able 2 go home…for a bit. can u call me? i'm freaking out. **

Alec dialed Magnus's number.

* * *

**Please R&R! **


	12. Some Kind of Madness

"Alec," choked Magnus, a fresh wave of tears spilling down his cheeks at hearing Alec's voice. It was 6:30, and Magnus's last round of labs for the day had just been drawn. His mom was out (he had asked for some time alone,) and he had just calmed himself down enough to stop crying and now he was sobbing again.

The tears streamed from his beautiful green eyes, further smudging whatever makeup hadn't run already. Magnus's colorful hair was messed up, and his nails were chipping, but he didn't care. Not anymore. He was having a hard time caring about anything anymore.

"Alec. Oh my god, Alec, I'm loosing it. Alec I'm all gross. They put a feeding tube down my nose, and there are needles and tubes all over me and I can't stop it and ohmygodtheyarekillingme. I've worked so hard to lose all of this weight and they are ruining it ohmygodtheyaremakingmefatter and noonewilleverlovemeifiamthisuglyfagofaboyandithurt ssomuch." Magnus's words ran together, and his voice went raspy from crying so much. But he didn't care. Not really.

"Magnus, please…Magnus. Shhh, Mag, shh, it will all be okay."

"No, it won't, my beautiful blue-eyes." Magnus took a deep breath. "It will not be okay. Nothing will be okay."

"I promise you—"

"No, Alec, No! Nothing will be fucking okay! I'm going to be sent out of state to a treatment facility for teens with ED's. I have over a year until I'm eighteen. I can not last a year there! And I doubt I'll even graduate. I haven't gone to school in months. I won't even pass this year. And I'll be stuck in a care facility. I'll go mad." Magnus took a breath. "OH MY GOD, MAGNUS, IT HURTS SO BADLY. I JUST WANT TO DIE. FUCK."

* * *

Alec couldn't make much sense of what Magnus was saying, but he was worried. Magnus…he didn't seem outwardly suicidal, but…

"Mag, I've got to go. I love you."

Alec quickly dialed the hospital's number. "Hello, I'm calling in regard to one of your patients on the children's ward. I'm afraid that he is suicidal. No, I do not believe that he is on suicide watch. Magnus Bane. Mhmmm. M-A-G-N-U-S. Bane. Yep. I'm…I'm his boyfriend. Okay. Thanks."

Half an hour passed. It was 8:00, and Alec paced nervously about his room. Isabelle still wasn't back, and Jace (Alec's step-brother) and his girlfriend Clary were downstairs. Alec was being antisocial, but he didn't care. They didn't want him down there anyway.

Alec's phone buzzed.

_they r sedating me. i locked myself in the bathroom but ik they'll have the door opn in a sec. how could u? how could u call them? now i'll be on fucking suicide watch and they're going to sedate me and alec how cou _

Alec's heart broke.

"I love you, Magnus," he whispered. And he sat down, and cried too.

* * *

**Review? xoxo ~Piano**


	13. Make It Stop (Hurting)

**I am writing a lot of this from experience. I know that suicide watch doesn't do anything. I've been on it. And I know that most hospitals are all but clueless in the ED apartment. However, Mags can't be sent to an ED care facility until he is stable enough.**

* * *

_Alec started throwing up in the ambulance. The paramedics couldn't do anything to help but get him to the hospital immediately. Alec, strapped on a stretcher, was rushed into the ER. He was lethargic and weak, and he could feel his body giving out on him. It was terrifying. His vomit soaked his clothes, and he felt gross. It was funny, how someone could be dying and still care about feeling gross. Alec's vision swam; lights and shadows were all that he could see. It was bright, Alec could tell that much, and he could still make out the conversations above him. _

_ "Suicide attempt? He's almost dead. His heart rate is…oh shit." _

_ "Code blue! Get the defibrillator!" _

_Cold metal plates were set on Alec's chest, now bare. He couldn't move, couldn't talk, he couldn't see, and the words around him were starting to echo. _

_ "Clear!" _

_An excruciating jolt reverberated through Alec's body. Tears formed in his eyes and dripped down his cheeks, and above him he heard a sigh of relief. _

_His thoughts were blurring together as a tube was pushed down his throat. Suicide wasn't supposed to end like this. It was supposed to end with— _

_What was he thinking about? _

_It hurts! Make it stop hu— _

* * *

**In case I didn't make this clear enough, these chapters about Alec are flashbacks from when he attempted suicide. This chapter is short, I know, I'm sorry, but I'm getting worse. My depression is getting****_ way worse. _**


	14. Alec's Short Poem?

**_A poem, written by Alec Lightwood in the midst of his depression _**

_Tears streamed down his face as he came through the door _

_He ran to his room and he opened the drawer _

_His fingers found what they were looking for _

_He pressed the gun to his head and he fell to the floor _

_Society had pushed him 'till he couldn't take more_

* * *

**Actually it was written by me. No stealing.**


	15. One More Night Is All I Need

Magnus hit fist against his hip bone in a steady rhythm. The doctors were talking but he couldn't hear them, not really. He had been there for eleven days. Eleven fucking days he'd sat. He could feel the calories and the fat and it scared him. Why didn't they understand that they were breaking everything he had worked so hard to accomplish? The self-control, the hunger, everything. Everything ruined.

Magnus was absolutely depressed. He hadn't been depressed. He had been beautifully, wonderfully, magnificently confident in his flamboyant self. Now…now he was ruined.

"Magnus?" Magnus looked up, realizing that a question had been directed his way multiple times. "Magnus, did you hear us?"

Magnus shook his head at the doctor, a snotty looking Asian woman. She had on a teal dress under her lab coat, and huge golden earrings. Magnus didn't agree with her taste in fashion.

"Magnus, your weight, although far too low still, is to the point where you can be transferred to an eating disorder treatment facility. We are afraid, with how far you are in to this disorder, that there is not much—if any—of an option."

Magnus said nothing at first. He had had a long while to think, those past 11 days. He wasn't concerned with the "plan." It wouldn't affect him. He kept his smile hidden as he looked in his lap. "I understand, doctor," he mumbled.

* * *

They were home. Magnus was allowed to spend the night at his house one more time before the months he would certainly spend at the facility. That was okay. One more night was all he needed.

* * *

Magnus pressed the loaded gun to his head.

"I'M SORRY, ALEC." He screamed. It was 3 A.M. His parents would be too late anyway. It wouldn't matter if he was loud.

He pulled the trigger.

**_BOOM_**

Magnus, covered in his own blood, was silent on the floor.

* * *

**Hello, my lovelies. I'm so fucking depressed it's unreal. So. Fucking. Depressed. I quit therapy, too. So. Woo. R&R maybe? **


	16. With A Bullet Through His Head

**so. fucking. depressed. i. can't. even. fucking. feel. ****_i'm. so. fucking. numb._**

* * *

"Will you save my baby?" Magnus's mother screamed, tears streaming down her face. She was sobbing and hiccuping all at once, running after the stretcher as her one and only son was rushed down the hall. The white sheets were completely red, and although a cloth was firmly pressed against his head more blood ran down still. He was breathing by a machine, his chest barely rising and falling. But it was, which gave Ms. Bane hope.

"We will try to, Ma'am," a short African American doctor told her, clasping Ms. Bane's freezing hands between her own.

"What are his chances? Do you know?"

"Ma'am, I really can't say right now—"

"Well what do you think?!"

"It doesn't look good, but we'll do everything we can." She gave Ms. Bane one last lingering look before rushing after Magnus. This boy was dead. There was absolutely no way that he would survive. If he did, which she knew he couldn't, he wouldn't ever be the same boy again.

Dr. Braille followed Magnus's stretcher down the hall, and up-booted the computers as the young boy was positioned for a CT scan. He was emaciated, his frail body easily lifted onto the table. Dr. Braille shifted through the papers she had on Magnus, and wasn't surprised to read that he was suffering from Anorexia. Dr. Braille was very familiar with eating disorders, herself having had Atypical Anorexia, later followed by Bulimia, in her late teenage years. Dr. Braille frowned, and looked through the glass windows at Magnus. Magnus was beautiful. His cheek bones were ridiculously prominent, which saddened Dr. Braille, but they were set into a handsome face. She knew that Magnus was gay—he was wearing a PRIDE shirt, among having his hair full of rainbow streaks—and she let her mind wander for a few seconds to what boy would break down in the morning when he got the call of his boyfriend's death. It was hard being a doctor, and Dr. Braille had learned the hard way to not get attached to any patients. So she didn't let herself think about Magnus as a person anymore. He was Magnus Bane, a dying teenager with a bullet through his head that wouldn't last the hour. And she was Dr. Braille, a highly trained surgeon who knew Magnus's fate before the X-rays could confirm it.

She knew what the CT scan would show. There was a bullet in his brain. He wouldn't live.

He wouldn't.


	17. Dire

The CT scan results weren't as dire as she thought. Dire, indeed, but maybe…

* * *

**not sure what's going to happen. ugh.**


	18. no

They let Alec into Magnus's hospital room. Under normal circumstances, this would never have been allowed. But Magnus was running out of time, and they all knew it, so they made an exception. Just this once.

The room was dark and cold. Magnus's mom was kneeling at her son's bed, her eyes closed. She was breathing quietly, asleep. She roused as Alec walked in, looking up and blinking tiredly. Her face had aged since Alec first saw her, at a Group meeting months ago. No words could describe the hurt in her eyes. Alec wanted to turn around and run straight out of that room, out of that hospital. He wanted to get into his car and drive away. He wanted to forget all this pain and all this heartbreak. But he couldn't. He loved Magnus too much.

Alec stepped closer to Magnus's bed, his footfalls echoing through the near-silent room, the only other sounds being the steady whirring of machines and the four of their breaths. A nurse stood in the doorway, studying them.

Magnus, Alec's beautiful Magnus, was all but dead. Stark white bandages covered his head, but dried blood was caked on the side of his face. Alec turned abruptly and went to the sink in the corner of the room; he wetted a nearby towel and returned, sitting himself on the edge of the bed. He gently wiped the blood—and the few remaining particles of glitter—from Magnus's face. Magnus didn't move. He was breathing so quietly…tears streamed down Alec's cheeks. He couldn't stand seeing Magnus like this. There were tubes down his throat, tubes in his nose, tubes shoved into veins in his arms. Magnus was shirtless, and dried drips of blood covered his bare skin. Alec softly wiped them off as well. Magnus still didn't move. His face was colorless, his skin cold.

Alec looked up at Ms. Bane. Tears were silently streaming down her face. She herself looked dead as well.

"He isn't waking up, is he?" Alec asked numbly.

"No," she whispered.

* * *

_**I'm not o-fucking-kay.**_


	19. Flashback No 1

_Magnus Bane was eleven. His family was sat around the dinner table, enjoying Mrs. Bane's new "Sloppy Joe" recipe. Sauce dripped down Magnus's chin and he laughed, smiling, and took another chomp of the sandwich._

_ "Magnus, stop eating like that! You're being a pig, no wonder you're so fat." Magnus's father, who had been watching his son eat, gave Magnus a disgusted disapproving look._

_Magnus's mother gasped, and shook her head at her husband, but didn't say anything._

_Magnus, the smile gone from his face, patted his mouth with a napkin and quietly excused himself from the table, leaving his half-eaten dinner behind._

* * *

**I don't even know why I write about me here. You guys don't care. And that's okay, I mean, I don't really care about myself either. But this past week has been rough. I just brought two kittens home. They're from Georgia. I'm on the other side of the country. These kittens were on death row. I got someone in GA to pull them for me an hour before they would have been put down. We drove to get them on Friday. I should be happy. I should be so happy, I know. *I* saved these kittens. But for some reason, I can't feel anything. I have never wanted to be dead so badly. And the cutting doesn't even hurt anymore. I think my body's numb to it. So I go deeper and deeper and deeper and wish that I was strong enough to go ****_too deep_****. But I'm not.****_ Ugh. R&R maybe? _**


	20. Flashback No 2

_Alec tore upstairs to his bedroom, biting his lip to keep from freaking out._

_It wasn't working well._

_He had walked in on a Jace-and-Clary make-out session. The two of them had been together for a week, and Alec hadn't really grasped it. Sure, Jace had gone through many one-night stands with girls, but deep down Alec still had wanted to believe that Jace was just a very closeted gay. Seeing Jace and Clary together just now was something completely new. The way that Jace looked at the fiery redhead…he loved her. He had never loved any of the others._

_Alec didn't want to be gay. He knew that his parents, very devoted Catholics, would most likely disown him or try to "rid him" of his homosexuality. After all, he had heard every anti-gay slur possible. They hadn't been directed at him, but they were like a punch to his stomach nonetheless._

_However, that pain was compared to how much it hurt seeing Jace with a girl._

_Perhaps this was his punishment. After all, he had heard that_

_God_

_hates_

_fags._

* * *

**Don't tell me how awful I am for the last three words. This is a FanFic. **

**...and this fic's author is in love with a girl. She understands**.


	21. Flashback No 3

_ "Morning mom," Magnus stretched, going to the coffee pot. Coffee, black and with sweet&low, was almost zero calories, and it would give him the energy to make it to dinner without binging. His diet was working well. He was still fat, but he was making progress._

_ "Magnus," his mom stuttered, sounding anxious._

_ "Mom? Is everything okay?"_

_ "Magnus, your father…"_

_ "Is he okay?"_

_ "Magnus, you have to listen to me. Look at me."_

_ "Where's daddy?!"_

_ "He's gone."_

_ "Did he…is daddy dead?!"_

_ "Magnus," Ms. Bane started crying, clutching a crumpled note to her chest. Magnus started crying too, and grabbed the note from his mother._

I've gone and I'm not coming back. Don't you dare come after me.

You can keep everything, just leave me alone. You had an affair 14

years ago, you lying whore, I know you did. Magnus is not my son.

I wouldn't have created a fag.


	22. Flashback No 4

It was Sunday, and Alec hated Sundays. Sundays always meant church.

And not the cat Church, either. He could've handled his cat.

No, Sunday meant dressing up nice and packing the family into a car, and then driving 45 minutes away just to sit in a hot, stuffy room to listen to a pastor preach about things that Alec didn't believe in.

"Let us pray," Father Jones began once everyone was seated. "As most as you know, Vermont legalized homosexual marriage this week, thus becoming the fourth state to do so. Let us pray that the good people of Vermont are led away from this sin and into the warm embrace of God, our father."

"Amen," echoed around the room.

Alec was silent, and he sunk down into his seat. His sister, Isabelle, gave him a worried look.

"Homosexuality is a very real, very tragic sin. It is the work of Satan, and it is our duty to guide those corrupted by homosexual thoughts away from the devil.

"_'_If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination.' God's word is—"

"Mom," Isabelle whispered. "I think I'm going to be sick."

"We are at Mass, Isabelle. How disrespectful of you." Mary gave her daughter a disproving look.

"And when I vomit all over the pews—"

"Fine," Mary sighed at her daughter. "Quietly excuse yourself.

Isabelle silently stood, grabbed her brother's wrist, and pulled him from the room.

Tears were dripping down his face. He was going to go to hell.

* * *

That night was the first time Alec cut himself. He delicately carved four lines into his stomach. And for the first time in a long time, he felt like he had done something right. He had punished this disgusting, worthless, useless fag. He had punished himself. And it felt right.

* * *

**Thank you for everything, cindella204. Not sure what I'd do without you these past few months. xx**


	23. mortem

Magnus took one last wavering breath.

He flatlined.


	24. Shots of Absinthe

The room immediately exploded with action. Nurses rushed in, and Alec was firmly asked to leave. Alec barely heard them. He couldn't move. He couldn't think. He was frozen. Magnus had flatlined. Magnus was dead. Alec knew that it was coming, but he had still been clinging onto the thread of hope that Magnus would pull through this. He wasn't supposed to die. He wasn't supposed to leave Alec alone.

A nurse pulled Alec into the hall, and he sunk to his knees outside of Magnus's door, and tucked his head down. He wasn't crying anymore. He was beyond numb.

Alec didn't remember leaving the hospital, but he must have because an hour later he found himself outside of the local bar, Pandemonium. It was still relatively early, and the bar was almost empty. As he walked in, the bar tender began to kick Alec out for being underage, but changed his mind mid-sentence. Seeing Alec's expression, he pretended that he didn't realize. Alec sat at the counter, shrugged off his jacket, and was about to order a drink when it all hit him.

Magnus was dead.

Magnus, beautiful Magnus, was gone.

Alec would never again see those beautiful green eyes, or hear Magnus's sweet laugh again. He would never get to fall asleep at Magnus's side, and wake up the next morning next to the boy he was in love with. There would be no first date, no picnics, no sunsets for them to watch together.

Magnus would never grow old. He was gone.

"FUCK," Alec screeched, fighting tears. The bartender gave him a sympathetic look and filled Alec a glass of a greenish liquid.

"Absinthe," he nodded toward the drink. Alec downed the shot quickly, fighting the instant nausea that came with it. He slammed the glass down, his hand shaky and his vision already starting to blur. He giggled hysterically as he was poured another shot; he downed this one as well. Alec coughed, and dropped the empty glass.

"Oh, sh-shit, sorry," he laughed, bending down. He brushed the glass slivers into his hands. The shards tore through his skin, but the pain didn't register to Alec. He dropped the glass on the counter, and sat back down.

"Your hand," the bartender looked slightly sick.

"What? Oh, fuck. They're red. I'm bleeding." Alec bit his lip, choking on his laughter. "I'm bleeding. Magnus was bleeding too. Not anymore, though. He's dead. Dead dead dead."

Alec froze. "Magnus is dead." And he burst into tears.

"Shit," the bartender hissed, dashing out of the room. He returned with the bar's manager. Alec screamed and fell to the ground, mumbling unintelligibly to himself. The manager retrieved Alec's wallet from his jacket. He checked the ID, and his face turned red.

"He's fucking eighteen, you idiot!" he bellowed angrily. "Shit." The manager checked the jacket's remaining pockets, and flipped open Alec's cell phone. He checked the history of Alec's calls, and noticed that JACE had called Alec half a dozen times in the last hour. He plugged in JACE's number, and waited while it rang.

"Alec, where the fuck are you?" an impatient voice answered the phone. The manager wavered for a second before politely asking Jace to come and pick up Alec.

_.:magnusmagnusmanguswhythefuckdidyouleavememagnusn owiamallalone:. _

* * *

**Thank you, my dear cindella, for everything. **

**Thank you, Sugared Plum, for all of your support as well.**


	25. i won't let you drown

"Ms. Bane, Magnus is dying." Dr. Braille spoke hurriedly. "He has, at most, an hour or so. We—"

"Is there anything you…you can do for h-him?" Magnus's mother choked over her words and clutched a tissue tightly in her hands. Her eyes were red and puffy, her mascara was running down her cheeks and her lashes were soaked with tears. "Please—he's all that I ha-have left."

"Well, we could put him into a coma, which would give us time to nourish his body without him fighting the treatment. But that could cause a number of side affects and it's not guaranteed—"

"I don't care. Do whatever you need to. I'll pay whatever, sign whatever—just, please, save my Maggie. He can't—he can't leave-leave me. Please."

* * *

Magnus was limp. Machines were breathing for him; beating for his heart. Tubes were stuck into him everywhere, and wires covered his frail body. Magnus was shirtless, the table below him was shimmering with faint traces of glitter. It was a saddening sight—a boy once so full of life reduced to a dying skeleton. A soul so colorful and naive and pure being lost to society and its unreachable expectations.

* * *

_.:there's a storm on the streets but you still don't run, watching and waiting for the rain to come. and these words wouldn't keep you dry, white tears from an open sky, but i know, but i know, but i know, i'm right:. _

_.:i won't let you drown, when the water's pulling you in, i'll keep fighting, i'll keep fighting:._

* * *

**I...I'm not doing better…at all. I wish I could say I was. I hate being like this. I'm sorry. R&R my lovelies? **

****song is Silver Lining by Hurts. breathtakingly beautiful, and chilling. i urge you to listen to it** **


End file.
